AGING PARENTS REQUIRE LOVE AND RESPECT

Neal A. Deutsch, CFP^®

Published in Rivertown Journal, May 2010

As one of the babyboomer generation, I have come to revel in my advancing years: appreciating oldies music, classic cars, fine wine and slowing down a bit to be grateful for life that much more. I remember the family get-togethers during the holidays and hearing my elders speak about the "old days" and laughing, and listening to lots of conversation centered on health, medicine and money. Who had what aches and pains, moved slower then they used to, and how much things cost these days. This pill works and this one give you a pain somewhere you never had a pain, and, well, everything in between. So here I am, in my mid fifties, and guess what? I'm in the AARP™ club!

Unfortunately, as we progress in years, so do our parents. Sooner or later, most of us fall into the area of time where we see, but hate to admit, that our parents are in their sunset years and we enter into the role-reversal stage of life. It takes time, energy and patience, and a lot of love to see our fathers, those nine foot tall creatures now walking slowly and thinking even slower. Our Mom's capable at one time of running a household and perhaps a job simultaneously and doing it smoother and more efficiently than the finest of corporations- and now forgetting the simplest of recipes. We, as children, stand by helplessly as we watch our dearly loved parents move into this latter stage in life, remembering their strengths, compassion and the best and worst of times. Is this all that we can do, until they are gone? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Our parents, while on in years, are an internet of information. When they are gone, so is all that wisdom that they spent 60, 70 or more years gathering. Family history, personal happenings and insight are but a fraction of what the good lord takes with them. If your parents are in a frame of mind to share, its time to gather the golden eggs- because once the goose dies, the eggs are no more.

Let's start with the basics- family planning. Ensure that your parents have their legal paperwork in order - wills, powers of attorney, living wills and health care proxies are among the basics of estate planning. If they don't, urge them to have these documents drawn up - then make sure you know where they're kept. Assure them that doing or reviewing this paperwork doesn't cause them harm: it just makes it easier for those they leave behind to keep things tidy. Most importantly, it assures them that all the assets that they lived and worked for will go where they choose and there will be no fighting among family members if someone is accidently left out. If you can, set up their bills on auto-pay to assure they get there on time. If they have investments with various institutions, invite them to share it with all the family members, not just one, so all the siblings have an open and fair idea as to where to find things. Ask them if they would like your opinion, and gently assist them in any way you can- having mounds of paperwork coming in monthly can be daunting in your latter years. Have them tell you stories of what it was like growing up, their schooling or first date or dance. Record it for your future generations to hear long after they are gone.

On the assumption that you can diplomatically help out, be sure to be kind and gentle, with lots of patience. It may be hard for your Dad or Mom to accept that they need help, or admit they find it difficult to do it alone. Discuss final arrangements openly, for if you tap-dance around the subject, it makes it sound like it should be a secret. Ask them if they have any particular asset that they specifically want to go to someone- a list, or letter of instruction may help later to avoid conflict. Patience is a virtue at this stage, so pour it on. Remember that when you were learning to walk and talk, or during potty training you weren't rushed-so now it's time to return the favor.

If hearing from me once a month isn’t enough, come visit me in our new blog site at www.chestnutblog.com.  If you think I’ve got pearls of wisdom here…you ain’t read nothin’ yet! See you there!

Neal A. Deutsch is a Certified Financial Planner^™  & Registered Securities Principal, offering securities through First Allied Securities, Inc., member FINRA/SIPC.  Neal is President of Chestnut Investment Group in Suffern, NY, helping people with financial planning since 1984. Please feel free to call Neal at (845)369-0016 or email him with your questions at neald@chestnutinvestment.com.

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